Saturday, October 2, 2010

Not a dull week

I'm not even sure where to begin. The events of the last few weeks (maybe even months) have driven me to be a different person.

It reminds me of the old story of the frog in boiling water:

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will of course frantically try to clamber out. But if you place it gently in a pot of tepid water and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot bath, and before long, with a smile on its face, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death.
- Version of the story from Daniel Quinn's The Story of B (from Wikipedia)

Whether or not it's true (I doubt it), it still points to the idea of something happening slowly over time isn't as obvious and/or noticeable. That's been my life, changing slowly, so that (it would seem) that sometime around Tuesday or Wednesday (Sept. 28 or 29) I saw myself as the new me. For better or worse. I have acted more boldly than I thought I could, yet I still feel the nearly instinctual pull deep inside me to run away when I feel I'm losing control.

That pull (a feeling mostly in the center of my chest, but also a buzzing throughout my body) has always been there. I remember it best as the feeling my freshman year of college. I didn't want to go to class (my art class, Principles of Design, I think) because my body was freaking out. It was almost as if a hand reached out from my chest and held me down. I couldn't make myself go to class. Anyone who knew me in high school would be a little shocked by this. I know I was.

But, I started taking pills for depression and seeing a shrink. The pills helped dull my buzzing anxiety, but talking didn't. And the pills made my mood swings odd and strange. Not better, but different. I just thought it was what I was suppose to feel. Then I started drinking. And doing other things. That freed me. Or at least it felt like it freed me. I didn't think too much, and now I could talk to people without totally freaking out.

But those things were just pushing down my feelings so I didn't have to deal with them. Not that I avoided the issues that fueled this anxiety, but I didn't learn to deal with it. I just made it go away.

I've been totally sober since October 1st. Well, that was my first full day. I'd quit a few days before that, deciding I needed to find the real me. It wasn't going to be easy, but I needed to do it. Then I found out some news, and I kinda gave it. So Oct. 1. That's when I really started to be totally sober. I just need deal with the crazy in my head.

I went to the doctor Friday as well. He put me on Paxil. It's gonna help with the social anxiety. Which I think should have been the target all along (not depression), but you try fighting with doctors.

So the point of this post was two-fold. I wanted to document the start of the new me. The real me. Me.

Second, I wanted to write. I started this blog to do just that. I haven't really had anything I was willing to share with anyone until now. So, here it is. Me.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

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