Friday, March 20, 2009

The post inwhich I explain being smart and insane. Mostly insane.

So, what has moved me to write this blog entry? A combo of things: John Mayer's "Room for Squares" as well as things like Twitter. And putting on my sleep pants. You know, the pants I sleep in.

I was thinking that everyone gets ready for bed, in at least fashion. And some (say 50%) people take that time to think about their day. Right now, close to half the world is at some stage of sleep (from actually sleeping to just getting up and heading home to sleep), so that is 25% of people thinking about their day (either to come, or just passed). Given the times, most (say 83%) are having a hard time, so they are stressed. And given the odds (that I'm totally making up) at least 33% of those people are A LOT more stressed than I am. So, if you have been following my math (I haven't) that means, right now, at least 479,325,000 people thinking about their VERY stressful day and that have it much worse off than me.

So, when you think that, right now, at least 479,325,000 people are at the most calm point in their day and have been dealing with worse shit than me in the world, and they are thinking about it RIGHT NOW, it makes you feel small.

So the point is, as I was thinking about taking my jeans off and putting on my sleep pants, at least I have a lot going for me. And that puts me at ease. But the fact that I think about this shit is crazy. I mean, I learn more and more, and I swear I just become crazier. I know more, so I know what shit can go to hell, and what shit is going to hell. I'm smart, but I'm crazy more.
"Ignorance is bliss."
-Thomas Gray, English poet 1716-1771
from "Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College" (last stanza)
Understanding the largeness of everything is nearly impossible. $700 billion here, other 1 trillion there, what's to really understand? There are millions of people out there in the world spending their time online just posting bullshit attacking who they hate. Right now. The idea that I could be one of them only makes you feel like you can't understand anything.

Or at least it makes me feel as if I can't understand anything. Which makes me wonder if I do know anything. Huh, lord knows right?

How does John Mayer fit into all of this? Well, I was reading something he just tweeted and it made me want to listen to his first CD.
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back

On old love

Or lack thereof

After all the crushes are faded

And all my wishful thinking was wrong

I'm jaded

I hate it


I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here oh yeah

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

- "Love Song for No One", by John Mayer
Okay, if you've gotten this far... I've had a bad day. And I do not want it to seem I'm attacking anyone, but I am just saying what happened. I am as much at fault for nearly all of it too, but I find the idea of a really bad day to be based on things you expect to be there, well, not be there.

I'll shoot over the bad morning I had, which ended in a panic attack and me staying home. Then sleeping until nearly 7 p.m. I then just wanted to try and move over the funk for a bit. I sent one friend a text seeing if he was in town. Still haven't heard back from him. (but I haven't done anything else either)

I was looking forward to losing myself in poker. No poker tonight. Still was looking forward to at least spending time with friends to remind me of what I have to be happy about. Friends didn't respond to any call to hang out. (again, I haven't done anything either. Equally at fault)

But, you know, while I'm having a good night at home writing this blog, when things you took for granted aren't there, it makes you remember you have to work at them too.

And I'm learning bad things always happen all at once. When it rains, it pours. Now I go pick Mom up at the bar.
“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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