Glee from last week!

"Just the Way You Are" [from Finn to Kurt; Furt]



"Marry You" [plus the 'I do's]

Upcoming Glee songs! Love them!

Glee was great this week!

As said, Glee rocks! So I post these for the enjoyment of others!


One Love




Kurt's Teenage Dream (longer)




the Girl's MashUp




the Boy's MashUp



the enjoyment starts now!

I'm Drifting, but not to sleep... into Hell.

“Given the amount of unjust suffering and unhappiness in the world, I am deeply grateful for, sometimes even perplexed by, how much misery I have been spared.” - Dennis Prager


2:30 in the morning. I have nothing to do. I have nothing to say. I wish I could just cut myself open and bleed onto the paper. That would be easy.

Month after month after month goes by, but yet nothing lights the fire of my soul. I can't reach the heart of my discontent. I am tossing and turning in the dark just praying for a light switch so I can make sense of anything. Anything!

Purpose and meaning have little hold over me while I am trying to become a normal member of society again. I am looking for meaning, and I should be looking for a job. I mean, I am doing both, but I am starting to think they are the opposite of each other, thus, leading me in circles.

The moment is over,
the pain is real.
Things should hurt,
that was the deal.

Night goes on forever,
Day comes to a halt.
Lips tell me your story,
I know it's not your fault.

Find it to forgive me,
For I have taken your soul.
I can't understand circumstance,
Santa Clause & his coal.

Fragment: Searching for an Outlet

Searching for an Outlet
(C) 2010
by Vance Goffman




I knew the day was going to be long when I couldn't even sit still reading my e-mail.
It wasn't even seven in the morning, and I was already shaking my legs as if I'd already sucked down two Red Bulls.
That's how I felt last night. Yeah, I was in bed for eleven hours, but all I remember is tossing and turning all night long. Every time I had to move the sheets so I could also move my body pillow. Even in sleep I am restless.
After my e-mail has been checked, I put on a pair of shorts and my running shoes. I need to get rid of this nervous energy somehow.
It's not until I am nearly home, after the 20 minute run, that I know it's not going to help. I didn't get rid of that feeling deep inside me. I still wanted to rip apart my body to release this energy.

I sit down at my computer and open a new document in TextEdit. I like writing in the most basic programs. Yeah, in the end it will end up in Word, but for now I like to think of the writing by itself, without attachment to the tools of the 21st Century world. Yeah, I'm writing on a computer, but I'm just using it right now as a glorified (and very advanced) typewriter. As a plus, there is no type writer sounds. Very peaceful.
One pictures a writer going to town on his laptop, maybe sitting in some semi-public space. Others see the writers alone in the apartments, their faces only illuminated by the glow of the computer screens.
Gone are the days we think of writings sitting in a well-lit room as they think by chewing on the end of their pen. Go back further and you can imagine the great writers dipping their quills in wells of ink.
Right now, as I write this, I am sitting in my room, which happens to be illuminated by the natural light pouring in from the two south-facing windows. The light can freely fill the room because I have been putting off buying and installing new curtains. While I find the light annoying at certain times of the day, for the most part I can't see giving up such wonderful light. I never used to like natural light, but as it has given new life to my bamboo plant Pete (Pete the Plant) I feel like more natural light has given me a boost.
I turned from the living room (& the TV) so I could write in natural light; in my room with the hope that getting something, anything, out of my head thru my fingers would zap the restlessness in my body. I write that sentence, and my legs stop. Crazy. Mind over matter?
Only seconds pass before my legs starts slowly moving around then seconds later my right leg is at it again, jumping up and down.

Only those without thought can't understand my problem. I have too much energy from sitting at home all day. I should walk more, get out more, and, most importantly, find something to do everyday so that I can actually apply this energy to something constructive and good.

Easier said than done. But now that it's out of my mind, something will happen. Now it's just time to wait and see. Shitty, I know.

As the clock nears one in the afternoon I start to think about life. Today has gone by in a mixture of slow pace and speedy moments. I watch House and it seems to go on forever. Then I see it's not even 1 yet. Time is a bitch who I think is now fucking with me.
I wish I could make my words sing. The lady in the strange land of HappyCandyMoca is the sexiest pilgram Lincoln ever saw in a Bowtie! Castle Greyskull! How about those apples.

I am torn between screenplays and novels. Both speak to my soul, but the movie needs other people. And while novels have editors and all that bullshit, it is mine. I don't speak through some actor. I write the words the reader will read. That is the power of the written word. There is only you and your reader.
I am feeling the words I write as I type them out. I am not looking at the screen, nor I am looking at the keyboard. And while I feel I have messed up a few letters there and there. I am finally listening to the voice that I want to make heard. I'm not going to like it but the most honest feelings I have are being pulled out of my by the idea that I am cant think before I write. I have taken that filter aways. And by doing so I have taken away the chance to edit. the feeling lights me from the inside. I am alive again because I am not writing for anything else, I am doing it all for me. I need to feel the power because I feel i like I am not being able to teype fast enough to get my feelings aout to the world. Tursing my findghers. Een when they may be wrong but it is what I need to do to better feel my world. I am shaking with power and somethings that power makes my fingers type faster than they can. Thus mistakes are made, but by closing my eyes I can undersand the art behind the words without having to worry that I have fukced something up because I am moving too fast. Help me figure otu how to keep up with my crazy mucking fafkne'a efnjc FI/JO GHLCN ASDDSOHVOFBEH 08RSDFIUHIO/B


Cam tries to explain why he is feeling so crazy.
"I just feel like my mind is trying to do things my body can't handle. And by doing such crazy things, I can't get my body to work with my mind. They are always at war. My mind wins, but my body can't do anything without my mind. But my body is the one always falling behind. I don't resent by body. It's what makes me, me. I just wish I could better deal with the energy that is trying to rip my heart and soul from my flesh and blood.



The art of the written word is dead. But the ideas and feelings it has communicated are not dead. So it is up to us to discover a way to share these feelings, thoughts, and events.

Title TBD and/or MIA

Well, if this doesn't bring back the memories of college, nothing will. Blogging in the middle of the night. If I was Mark Zuckerberg, I would be creating some crazy thing right now. But I'm me. So I'm trying to write.

And while I have hit a block on the story I am working on, I thought I could come here and just shoot the shit with myself. I don't have much in mind to talk about. Nothing in fact. I just need to tap these keys and form words. I just feel the need to empty my brain and my soul. I can't put words to the feelings. I try and tell stories to express these, but I can't. I can't put my finger on it. I just am missing something. I need to work my word choice. I need to work the language to sound great! Sorkin!!!

And I must shout out, in yet another social/Web media, that James Franco's new book Palo Alto is great so far (I haven't finished it yet). Is there nothing he can't do? Act, write, look like he does and so much more!? How?! Mad props because he seems very down to earth. Talented and humble. And sane. That's a gift man!

I love the book's short shorties because it is how I have been reading lately. Just reading 15-20 pages at a time, and this book is great for that. I get my mind to work out, but I don't over heat it. I must say my mind has been working overtime lately (for some unknown reason). But I did read Micheal Cunningham's new novel "By Nightfall" and I loved it. It was a great easy read. Which was great. Cunningham can be hard to get into and get through, but this newest book was very accesible yet no less brillenct. It was shinning for the simplicity of both the style and the truth of always longing for more and different and new. Love it.

With my passion for politics and policy it is not out of the realm of reasonable thought I would someday run for some office. I don't see myself running, maybe helping someone run, but not myself. But never say never. It's one of the few slogans I really follow. Never say Never!

But with this in mind, these journals, as well as others on the intertubes would be crazy to deal with. And everyone of my generation is going to have this problem. And if not us, the next is surly to deal with everyone knowing nearly everything about each other. It is the need to know what your neighbor is doing at the same time you want to reach out and tell your friends want is going on.

I am writing so my brain can chew over the bit of story I just read. Going back for more. I promise to get right back like I'm not even gone...

And I still here. But I'm going to finish the book later. Some now before I sleep, and then the rest tomorrow. Then I will spend the next few days rereading it. Taking it in. Then I will write about it. And maybe "By Nightfall" too at some point. Yes. That would be great.

Now, this is mostly just what i thought as I was typing. It's true. I haven't edited for grammar or mistakes. Enjoy I guess.

Not a dull week

I'm not even sure where to begin. The events of the last few weeks (maybe even months) have driven me to be a different person.

It reminds me of the old story of the frog in boiling water:

If you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will of course frantically try to clamber out. But if you place it gently in a pot of tepid water and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot bath, and before long, with a smile on its face, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death.
- Version of the story from Daniel Quinn's The Story of B (from Wikipedia)

Whether or not it's true (I doubt it), it still points to the idea of something happening slowly over time isn't as obvious and/or noticeable. That's been my life, changing slowly, so that (it would seem) that sometime around Tuesday or Wednesday (Sept. 28 or 29) I saw myself as the new me. For better or worse. I have acted more boldly than I thought I could, yet I still feel the nearly instinctual pull deep inside me to run away when I feel I'm losing control.

That pull (a feeling mostly in the center of my chest, but also a buzzing throughout my body) has always been there. I remember it best as the feeling my freshman year of college. I didn't want to go to class (my art class, Principles of Design, I think) because my body was freaking out. It was almost as if a hand reached out from my chest and held me down. I couldn't make myself go to class. Anyone who knew me in high school would be a little shocked by this. I know I was.

But, I started taking pills for depression and seeing a shrink. The pills helped dull my buzzing anxiety, but talking didn't. And the pills made my mood swings odd and strange. Not better, but different. I just thought it was what I was suppose to feel. Then I started drinking. And doing other things. That freed me. Or at least it felt like it freed me. I didn't think too much, and now I could talk to people without totally freaking out.

But those things were just pushing down my feelings so I didn't have to deal with them. Not that I avoided the issues that fueled this anxiety, but I didn't learn to deal with it. I just made it go away.

I've been totally sober since October 1st. Well, that was my first full day. I'd quit a few days before that, deciding I needed to find the real me. It wasn't going to be easy, but I needed to do it. Then I found out some news, and I kinda gave it. So Oct. 1. That's when I really started to be totally sober. I just need deal with the crazy in my head.

I went to the doctor Friday as well. He put me on Paxil. It's gonna help with the social anxiety. Which I think should have been the target all along (not depression), but you try fighting with doctors.

So the point of this post was two-fold. I wanted to document the start of the new me. The real me. Me.

Second, I wanted to write. I started this blog to do just that. I haven't really had anything I was willing to share with anyone until now. So, here it is. Me.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

friendship

Sometimes I think my life is a soap opera and I’m just living in it. Other times I just wonder how I ended up with such a great group of friends.

We, as humans, do a lot of things that form what we call our life, including many different types of relationships, but nothing shapes us like our close friends.

In our society the ability to be sociable, that is to make someone like you, is a more prized gift than anything else. No one gets a job, no matter how smart or talented, unless you can get someone to like you.

So much goes into our relationships with our friends, but we don’t think about it. I remember doing the trust exercise in high school where I had to fall backwards into a friend’s waiting arms. Friendship is putting trust in that person they will be there to catch you if you fall, so to speak.

Friendship is a delicate thing that may be strong or it may be weak; most of the time you don’t find out until it is put to the test. Like it or not, friendship is one part shared history, one part shared interests and a whole lot of faith.

Please

Dear peope who don't give a fuck!,

It is Sunday afternoon, two days after the party. All I want to do it throw things against the wall. I want to hurt people. I want to hurt me.
I am just full of energy and have no fucking clue what to do with it. I do one thing, and it fucking blows up in my face. Fuck details!

I left the party early because I threw up and fel tlk e a fuckingaz. Fuckt!

I feel like I am running away but I'm not getting anywhere. I smoke pot, and i tdon't get anywhere. I drink and I don't get anywayere. I canf rdoaifhe

Any time I get close to actually having a moment of truth I fill with energy from no where and everywhere and then I blow up. I fill up with emotion and it just blows me up.

I no longer exsist.

I am no longer me. Who am I?

Please fucking tell me who I am.

Please.

Change is hard but it's the easiest thing in the world

I have started this story a few thousand times, but this time feels different. I don’t care anymore.

What is the life of one man? What is the life of a man whom lost his job during the worst economic crisis in several generations?

Well, I can tell you it’s not really all that interesting.

I would think that after nine months I would have some great stories but I don’t. I don’t have anything but heartache, loneliness and creeping insanity to for the worst time in my life.

I say that with a sense of history. I’m only 26 years old, so of course this is the worse time of my life. I really haven’t had anything else happen.

I was smart, breezed through school, got into college. Took honors English and was running the school newspaper by my senior year. After college is when everything started to fall apart.

I guess I could blame myself. Without the structure of school I totally fell apart. But it’s not really that big of a deal. I got a job. Had it for six months. Lets not talk about it.

Then I got another job. I had that job for just over two years. I don’t want to talk about it.



It is one o’clock at night and I have nothing better to do than write my stupid life story onto my computer. I mean, at this point we are only 200 words in. You know I’m young and unemployed.

If you are smart you caught I don’t like conflict and I don’t like my life after college. What you wouldn’t have caught, because I didn’t say anything, is that I’m gay. It’s not really important, but I felt like I needed to tell you.

Like you care.



It’s not to say that my life since employment hasn’t been fun. I get to sleep too much. And I get to spend time with friends. But it’s always on their schedules which makes me feel like window dressing that just went with the rest of the living room.

No matter what my friends say, I always feel like an afterthought. At least one would hit me for putting that out there as the reason I don’t get the passion back. Yeah. I totally pull inside, but I don’t want friends who just go along, I want friends who will fight and pull me out of my shell.

And when I do, I love it, at least for a moment or two. I was hanging out with on of my best friend and we were debating life. I said that humans would fuck up any good plan. He said that there could be a plan humans couldn’t fuck up. I countered with that if so, that plan couldn’t be made by humans because we would fuck it up. He agreed.

It doesn’t sound exciting when I just write it down. I think I could even put hours and hours into getting the emotion of that moment to come out and it wouldn’t. Only Todd and I were there. That is our moment.

Like he said, it was like we were fencing. In the end we tied. But isn’t that the way it always ends in a great friendship? You both win.



Besides Todd I wonder about my other friends. I don’t really do friends that entirely well. After I hit by best friend the summer before my seventh grade year. She hit me first, but I guess you don’t hit girls. Did I say she hit me first?

Sorry, doesn’t matter. Well she had an asthma attack after I hit her. I still don’t know why. Why she had an asthma attack, not why I hit her. She hit me. And she hit me because I called her friend a bitch.

I’m not making this any better for myself am I? Well her friend was flirting with my mom’s boyfriend at the time, Brad. I never like Brad. Brad was Mom’s first serious boyfriend after the divorce. Brad didn’t stand a chance; I was never going to like him.

But Darcy did. And she was annoying me by making him feel special. He was sitting in my kitchen, talking to my friends and I wanted it to stop.

So I called Darcy a bitch. Then Ashley hit me. Then I hit Ashley. Then Ashley had an asthma attack and went home. Mom sent everyone else home too.

Soon after Ashley turned all my friends against me. All of them except Mike; he wasn’t there that day. He was grounded for something or another. I should say that all the friends Ashley did turn against me were girls. I guess they had to take her side. I think I said I’m sorry to her. I know I thought about it night after night. For years.

I would go on to hold a lot of anger towards Ashley for years to come. For turning people against me. At least through high school. By then she was going by Ashleigh and I was trying to turn people against her. It was cold, petty, and fittingly childish.

I don’t know where she is now. I wish her the best. She was the first girl I fell in love with. So yeah, that’s fucked up.



I didn’t really start having friends until college, but I’m getting ahead of myself. I told you I was gay and that it wasn’t important. It’s unimportant to who I am like it’s unimportant if someone is left-handed. Their different but that doesn’t necessarily make them interesting.

I told some friend I had, also named Mike, in like 7th grade that I was gay. Get that. He was like "Well as long as you don't hit on me I don't care." And he was cute! This was middle school.

I would think about writing about being gay in my personal journal we had to keep for 6th and 8th grade English (same teacher). Good thing I didn't. Several girls read it. To flirt and to toy with me.

(random: I had to take 8th grade English because I didn't read/write well enough based on some test. yeah, look at me now.)

But yes, it was not till 10th grade that I told someone else. I told Aimee Hankins. She was to be my first (and only) girlfriend. Given my attraction to women (even to this day, but yeah, still gay) I was lost. I called myself bi for a period in time. So yeah, we dated during the summer before 11th grade.

 That is also when I told my mom I was bi. I then started seeing a therapist. Of my own free will, mind you, I wanted help to work all this out. But yeah, he was no help at all. Bastard.

Aimee and I broke up because I wanted to. I don’t remember the reasons, but it doesn’t matter.

But yeah, so the next...oh, 2 years I would deal with being gay all by myself. Well, I still had Aimee for a bit before she ran off with her mom's car (don't. even. ask!) and her friend Amanda for a year. But yeah, in that time I have several online affairs, Leo, some crackpot from Michigan, and a guy from Louisiana I was "in love" with for sometime. Is it bad that I can't remember his name? Darryl. Yes, that is it.

Then there was Anthony; I first e-mailed him on March 2, 2002. He would prove to be the one that I would go to see and be my first 'gay' experience. If you don't count the phone sex with Leo!

But yes, Anthony and I met in the summer before school. June 21st, 2002 I do believe. I drove up to see him one day. His parents were out of town on vacation and he had the house to himself.

We met at a Perkins. So funny. Then I just followed my heart (or another organ) and I followed him back to his house. I made him lock the door, and when he came back to the couch I kissed him. At that point I knew, yes I was gay.

We made out. A lot. This is when I found out I love the feel of making out with a guy with a little bit of stubble. So gay.

We watched a movie, then we went to his bedroom. Well that was interesting.

A few months later I got my heart broken when he told me he slept with another guy. He’d actually done it before I even first met him. I got the e-mail and I sobbed. And I don't cry easily, or at least I didn’t back then. My first heartache. It was not really bad, but it hurt.

 But yes. Then there was college, where I dealt with being gay the most. But you don’t care about this anymore. Like I said, it’s not interesting.



College was more interesting for me making friends again. Most of the friends I made that first semester turned to shit, in one way or another. I know the first two girls in my class. Then I remember the two guys I rode with on the bus trip back to the campus after some event. One guy’s name was Steve, and I had a hard time remembering it. His friend I had no problem remembering; his name was also Anthony. I would live with those two my junior year. If only I would have known.

School didn’t get fun until the school paper and I really became one. But that is also just after my sophomore year. I had a horrible sophomore year. Lets not talk about it.

The summer before my junior year at Grand View College I moved into the apartments. I wasn’t moving home. I was moving in with Steve and Anthony. I was getting ready to be on the school paper. The News Editor. And that summer I started drinking. I had never even really drunk anything until moving into that apartment. I would meet Dan, Anna, Todd, Marty, and a million other people in that apartment and that is where they met me. I think my college life is summed up in that four-unit apartment on the first floor.




If that apartment summed up my social life, the newspaper office was the other pole in my life. I was on the college newspaper since freshman year. I was on my high school paper too. It seems I have a thing for writing.

But no matter how much the newspaper shaped me, it’s time with my friends I remember. So many friends and so many memories.

I don’t remember friendship being this hard. When did it get hard?

Now Dan is getting ready to move to Reno with Anna so he can go to school for his PhD. I only wish I was kidding. I’m happy for him but I am going to miss my friend. But I already miss my friend. I just don’t know how to be great at being social.

I sit here unemployed and I am only wondering when Todd is going to leave. The only reason I am staying is because I have nowhere to go.

But that’s not going to stop my friends. Change is hard. But I just don’t know if I’m ready to fully jump into the next part of my life.

Change is hard. Change is hard but it's the easiest thing in the world.

My favorite written works

I have been looking for books to read, so to see what I liked, I went back and found my favorite books/plays/short stories. Enjoy!

#1. Hamlet
by William Shakespeare




#2. This Must Be the Place
by Gabriella Morrison




#3 Home at the End of the World
by Michael Cunningham




#4 Dreams from My Father
by Barack Obama




#5 The Stranger
by Albert Camus




#6 Dance With Innocence
by Gabriella Morrison




#7 The Hours
by Michael Cunningham




#8 Fahrenheit 451
by Ray Bradbury




#9 1984
by George Orwell




#10. Team of Rivals
by Doris Kearns Goodwin

I am lost

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
- Albert Einstein

On this Black Friday, I am lost.

As a person that tends to take what other people say to heart, I have been beaten, bruised, and destroyed by people who are only out for themselves. They are lashing out from their fantasy world, and in the process, stupid little me tries to understand their place in reality.

And thus, I am wrecked. This is what I get for trying to understand people and the world better.

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”
- Albert Einstein

To live in this world, you have to understand that at any given time, only about 50% of the people are going to agree with you. The greatness of a man is to continue to fight for what he knows is right in the face of mounting opposition. A leader fights for what is right and makes it popular; he does not take what is popular and pretend that it is right.

"Let us have Faith that right makes might, and in that Faith, let us to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."
- Abraham Lincoln

Thinking for myself, for that I am thankful.

"And I will place within them as a guide
My umpire conscience, whom if they will hear,
Light after light well-used they shall attain,
And to the end persisting, safe arrive."

John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book III. Lines 194-197

While Thanksgiving has never been a religious holiday, some are using it to push "following God's law" and not "economic experimentation with socialism" this year. Crazy, I know. Can't we just be thankful we are still here? Like, a year ago, that wasn't a done deal. A year ago things were looking really bad. With headlines like "Is the U.S. Headed Towards the Second Great Depression?" it is easy to see we really have had a good year and have much to be grateful for.

Personally, with all the talk of following God's laws, I am brought back to that quote from Milton. "And I will place within them as a guide/My umpire conscience..." To me it says almost everything. God gave us the ability to think for our self, and gave us a voice inside our head to do the right thing. And that voice is the spirit of God, whatever you want to call him.

So, telling me I have to follow a set of rules men wrote down in a book thousands of years ago even when the "umpire conscience" in my head thinks they are wrong is crazy. I don't like having other people do my thinking for me.

I may not be religious, but I do believe God gave me the ability to think for myself, as well as pointing me in the right direction. So please, don't tell me your beliefs are more right than mine, because in America we have the freedom to believe whatever we choose to believe.

And that is what Thanksgiving is about. Being free to make our own decisions. And for that I am thankful.

Open your mouth & speak!

“Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It's funny how little things can really help you think. I just turned off our desktop PC because the fan was being WAY too loud. Once it was off, I could actually hear myself thing again. It was like taking a torn out of your foot.

I have been up all night and I just can't seem to find my voice. I want to write something but I can't get my thoughts from my head into words. The first problem is I don't have anything to really talk about, so I just end up going on and on about nothing.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I actually did get some things done this week. I got my car payment situation fixed for now. It was gonna be hard to keep paying a huge monthly car payment without a job, but I got it worked out. I also applied to several jobs so that I can at least stay qualified for unemployment if I can win my claim next week. All I have to do prove is that I'm not responsible for getting myself fired. I actually have a good case.

But I could have done a lot more. I'm not sure what, but for one I could have done a lot more writing. I've thought about working on some short stories I have going, but that is leading nowhere fast.

One thing I have done in lieu of actual action is watch a lot of news. I have been really bogged down with the news of the last few weeks. I mean, from Ft. Hood to health care, and from 10%+ unemployment to off-year elections we have all been lucky to move day-to-day without going crazy. Now throw in losing your job, having your 26th birthday and taking your mother in for eye surgery. I have not been focused on the bigger picture. I've been worried about applying to enough jobs to quality for my unemployment while trying to figure out how I'm going to help my mom out now that I'm costing her money instead of making money.

That doesn't mean, however, I haven't been thinking about the big picture, but I feel like I've been so deep in the trenches of politics I haven't been fighting the battles that really need to fought. I have done what most liberals do: I have given into the conservative attack of the moment. Be it health care, Fox News, or the economic stimulus, I have let them define the debate. And doing that, we lose.

While we might be able to save this debate and win, I think the best we can do now is push to the end and pass health care. Then maybe we can get our footing and do everything else we need to do.

Until then, I'm going to read some more. Maybe then I will get my voice back. And have something to say.

Top 5 speechs by President Barack Obama

#1. 2004 DNC Keynote speech



#2. Only A Union



#3. Character of Our Country



#4. President Obama's Inaugural Address



#5. President Obama Memorializes Walter Cronkite



---

Now obvisouly this is just my opinion. I would love to get your input.

part of a story I'm writing

“The man who has seen the rising moon break out of the clouds at midnight has been present like an archangel at the creation of light and of the world.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m not sure why I have always been a night owl. Staying up passed three every morning, just because I could.

Maybe I just loved the feeling of being so alive when every one else was asleep. Maybe I just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, no matter how early I needed to be up.

Plus, this book I am reading has been a real page-turner. It is a political biography. “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln” by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

I know most people wouldn’t find it as engrossing as I do, but I have a great respect for the written word, and Goodwin knows how to tell a story. It doesn’t matter that it took place more than a hundred years ago, it is just as alive and interesting, if not more, as the current headlines. Who cares about Jon and Kate when you can read about how Lincoln put together what is possibly the boldest cabinet in Presidential history, at least to that point.

Even my friends make fun of my love of history.

“You’d rather live in the past than live today,” Van told me once. He’s probably right, but it wasn’t always that way.

There was a time I looked forward to every new day. Every day was a new adventure always waiting for me; every day there was always something new to learn.

Not anymore. Now every morning I wake up, I fight with myself to even open my eyes. Because on the other side of my eyelids is just the same bullshit corporatist world.

And if I don’t open my eyes then I’m not really awake, and if I’m not really awake, I don’t have to deal with all the shit in my life. I don’t have to deal with my alarm, which is going off. I don’t have to deal with Eve, Adam, or any of the dozen paintings I haven’t finished. And I don’t have to think about work.

But everyday, without fail, I open my eyes. It’s just another day. I hope everyone has this feeling. Because if they don’t, and I’m the only one, that makes me really weird.

Mark Cameron. That’s my name. It’s what people call me; but I don’t know if the name fits the soul. I’ve always thought I was more of a Ted. I don’t know why, but doesn’t Ted Cameron sound better?

Oh well, blame my mother. I’m stuck with Mark.

On my soap box talking to the vast emptiness of the interwebs

Over the past month or so I have acquired a insatiable need for information, knowledge, wisdom and stories. It could be the result of my disappointment in the American people for not being more involved and knowledgeable about the news and issues of our day.

But I only can say this because I have no life. I spend my free time watching the news, reading news and analysis online, listening to podcasts and audio books while also reading two or three books at any given time. I have such a short attention span I bounce from book to book to book and back again. I just have to make sure to keep the books different enough so I don't get too confused. I may not be able to remember to take the trash out, but I can keep the storylines of several books clear in my head. I'm crazy like that.

Because they say to write better you need to read a lot, I should be a lot better at writing. But I have a major flaw. Well, at least one in regards to writing: I have no attention span. Thus, I do a very poor job of organizing my thoughts as I write them out. It's always been this way.

I remember one weekend back when I was still in high school. Must have been my junior year. I was a staff writer and page editor for the school newspaper, and I had a front-page story about the end of the popular sophomore history and social studies class. I don't remember the name of the program, but I do remember loving the class my sophomore year. I was the only kid in the class to get an A on the very difficult World War II final. I say this not to brag about the grade, but to show how much I worked and listened in that class. That WWII final was one of the few times I actually studied in high school.

But back to the story. I remember sitting in the middle of my father's bed with my laptop writing the story. I don't remember why I was in the bed, but I do remember the pure joy I had putting that article together. I got all the quotes written out, then I wrote all the points I needed to cover, put it together with the appropriate quotes, and then finally took forever putting it in order. I was trying to tell the story but also work in the classic journalist model of the inverted pyramid (the most important thing first, and so on).

Flash forward to my sophomore year in college, working on the college newspaper as the features editor. I was trying to write an editorial, but I couldn't get it to flow. Good thing I had some great help. I just needed to outline my idea and points I wanted to make; then write it. So between those two experiences, I created my process for writing: get everything down, make sure you have a solid outline, and make clear your goal for the piece.

Here I am, a little more than three years removed from college, and I am still working to become a better writer than I was the day before. For me that means focusing more on form and structure. I don't lack for topics to write about, opinions to share, or ideas to try out. Writing for me is a great mediator for life. Always trying to be better, always fighting between skill and passion, time and energy.

So, this blog is more than my little soap box. This is my way of working out the workings of my thinking as well as the world going on around me. With all of the stuff I take in from all of today's sources of information, my brain is filling up. Writing about something here lets me work it out in my head so I can move on to the next idea to think about. So not everything I post here will be good. Odds are that most of it will be crap. I just hope today's crap is better than yesterday's crap.

At the very least, maybe I am one of the various sources that someone gets their information from, then at least I'm making a difference and not just talking to the vast emptiness of the interwebs.

Standing up for gay rights, WWJD?

Last week I was reading the online edition of my college newspaper, The Grand Views, when I came across an opinion piece about the Lutheran Church, the bible, and the gays; so I just had to read it.

"As many of you can see from the hot media topics the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America has voted to allow lesbians and gays to hold a pastoral position in the church.

There are many debates on the topic recently and I admit I am befuddled as to how there is any question. I genuinely do not understand how any professed Christian can really believe this is acceptable.

The ELCA clearly states on their website, "As Lutherans, ELCA members believe that the Bible is the written Word of God." Thus, I'm forced into confusion as I try to make sense of this. If they believe the Bible is the Word of God, wouldn't they want to abide by His teaching? The Bible clearly states that acting on homosexuality is wrong."
- "Lutheran churches contradicting Bible" - The Grand Views, 9/11/09

I read this, and the rest of the article, and was personally taken aback. As a gay man my shock mostly came from my lack of personal contact with people who hold this belief. It's not as if I select my friends based on whether or not they agree with me on any given subject, but my friends and I tend to agree on most gay rights issues. We all gravitate towards those we agree with; it's human nature. So sometimes a strongly-held belief from the other side can throw you off.

But I thought, naïvely it would seem, that personal feelings about gay marriage and homosexuality aside, we could agree with Jesus when he said "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I guess you can love your neighbor but if that neighbor is gay and wants the same rights you have, too bad.

I was proud to see others, most notably Steve Snyder, a Humanities professor at Grand View, stand up and give voice to the other side of the debate. Using history, facts and commenting on how we interpret what the Bible says, he gives a great defense of the beliefs and values I hold. He also called out those against such gay rights saying, "arguments founded on literal interpretations of scripture are often highly susceptible to the charge of hypocrisy."

"Indeed, those using the Bible to condemn homosexuality often overlook behaviors proscribed in other biblical passages. A passage in Leviticus, for example, is often cited as support that the Bible sees homosexuality as an "abomination." By the same token, Leviticus also demands animal sacrifices. It bans crossbreeding of various kinds of cattle and even wearing "a garment made from two kinds of material mixed together," yet I see no uproar over the presence of synthetic fabrics in the Lutheran pews on Sunday morning. If Lutherans are perfectly free to disregard Leviticus 11:1-12 (which would forbid eating portions of the menu at Red Lobster), why aren't they free to adjust their views on homosexuality? To denounce them for not following one passage but not others seems conveniently selective."
- Steve Snyder, Letter To The Editor, 9/18/09

I was also proud to see Molly Hottle (former Editor-In-Chief of the Grand Views '08-'09) take a similar stand. For me it was much more powerful coming from her because of her background and because she speaks for our generation. Those 18-29 are much more supportive of gay rights than any other age group.

"Many of the same arguments from scripture that are being raised, we also heard 30 years ago when the Lutheran churches decided to ordain women," said Jack Mithelman, campus pastor. Even with these historical references, it's happening again. How many repeats of history will it take for people to realize discrimination of any group-no matter race, gender or sexual preference-is wrong? These statements I make are not because I am ignorant of the argument used by those who say the Bible forbids homosexuality. In fact, I know it very well. I am a Christian who grew up in a conservative Christian home and was made to believe that homosexuality is a sin. But I grew up and did something unheard of: formulated my own opinion. And the fact is, times change. If people insist on using the literal meaning of the Bible to condemn the gay community, then those same people should also be expected to not play football since the Old Testament prohibits the touching of the skin of a pig. The accusers should also not be allowed to wear clothing made of two different materials and the women should be forbidden to wear makeup. Today, the enforcement of those rules sounds silly to us, as should the prohibition of homosexuality.
- "Hottle: No matter how they say it, opponents of gay rights spreading discrimination" - The Grand Views, 9/18/09

I didn't say anything about this subject until now for one very specific reason: I'm not a active member of the Lutheran Church, or a member of any religious organization. I didn't feel my input would really add anything to the debate. I also felt that as an Agnostic gay man, my bias would cause more conflict than it would help.

But I can't stay silence, and I definitely shouldn't hold back because of what people might say or think of me.

I agree 110% with Ms. Hottle that those who wish to deny rights, status, and basic equal rights are spreading discrimination. These people are painting the entire GLBT community as less than human, not entitled to the equal protection and equal opportunities of our straight brothers and sisters. By pushing this idea that they are smarter than everyone else, and saying they can't even see why gays should have the right to help others while spreading their love of God and Jesus to everyone they meet as a pastor in the Lutheran Church is only more evidence of their small-minded, selfish and hateful beliefs.

If Jesus had a vote in this matter, what would he do? Simply put, WWJD?

The media has failed us; have we failed America?

"Public sentiment is everything. With public sentiment nothing can fail. Without it nothing can succeed. He who molds opinion is greater than he who enacts laws." - Abraham Lincoln

"Printers are educated in the Belief, that when Men differ in Opinion, both sides ought equally to have the Advantage of being heard by the Public; and that when Truth and Error have fair Play, the former is always an overmatch for the latter: Hence [printers] cheerfully serve all contending Writers that pay them well, without regarding on which side they are of the Question in Dispute." - Benjamin Franklin

"None of us would trade freedom of expression for the narrowness of the public censor. America is a free market for people who have something to say, and need not fear to say it." - Hubert H. Humphrey

This country was founded on the idea of freedom of speech and freedom of the press; so much so it is written right there in the First Amendment, in black and white.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

See the part I highlighted in bold? Freedom of speech, or of the press; What a wacky idea. Well, the framers couldn't see a press run not by the people for the people, but by the corporations for the corporations.

As a student of journalism (graduated from Grand View College in 2006, now Grand View University), I have always been an advocate for freedom of the press as well as freedom of speech. It may not be pretty, but it is the only way a representative democracy is going to work. Even Thomas Jefferson understood this. And he hated the media of his day, the newspapers.

"The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers." - Thomas Jefferson

But even with that deep-seated hatred and mistrust of the media, he knew that's the way it needed to be. The people needed to be informed. Even after the U.S. Constitution set up the system of representative democracy (really a Constitutional Republic) we have today, which was put in place to let those most informed make the decisions while still answering to the people through elections, people need to be informed on the issues of the day. As much as Jefferson feared newspapers, he feared the idea of government without newspapers more.

"The basis of our government being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate for a moment to prefer the latter." - Thomas Jefferson

But the newspapers Jefferson was speaking about, unlike the media in today's terms, were run by businessmen and citizens, not global corporations.

I have always distrusted corporate control of the media, but my trip over to the FAIR (Fairness & Accuracy In Reporting) Web site still felt like a punch to the gut. I knew how fucked up the media was and is, but to see evidence, data, and reporting on the subject, well, it's depressing.

"A specter now haunts the world: a global commercial media system dominated by a small number of superpowerful, mostly U.S.-based transnational media corporations. It is a system that works to advance the cause of the global market and promote commercial values, while denigrating journalism and culture not conducive to the immediate bottom line or long-run corporate interests. It is a disaster for anything but the most superficial notion of democracy--a democracy where, to paraphrase John Jay's maxim, those who own the world ought to govern it."
- from The Global Media Giants

FAIR has several Issue Areas, and I think one in particular is having a damning affect on current debates in the media.

"Given that most media outlets are owned by for-profit corporations and are funded by corporate advertising, it is not surprising that they seldom provide a full range of debate. The right edge of discussion is usually represented by a committed supporter of right-wing causes, someone who calls for significantly changing the status quo in a conservative direction. The left edge, by contrast, is often represented by an establishment-oriented centrist who supports maintaining the status quo; very rarely is a critic of corporate power who identifies with progressive causes and movements with the same passion as their conservative counterparts allowed to take part in mass media debates."
from Issue Area: Narrow Range of Debate

The media is shaping debates by leaving out major progressive (but albeit minority) views. Which brings up to the epic media fail going on right now. And I mean, right now! FAIR looked into this back in March.

"Major newspaper, broadcast and cable stories mentioning healthcare reform in the week leading up to President Barack Obama's March 5 healthcare summit rarely mentioned the idea of a single-payer national health insurance program, according to a new FAIR study. And advocates of such a system--two of whom participated in yesterday's summit--were almost entirely shut out, FAIR found.

Single-payer--a model in which healthcare delivery would remain largely private, but would be paid for by a single federal health insurance fund (much like Medicare provides for seniors, and comparable to Canada's current system)--polls well with the public, who preferred it two-to-one over a privatized system in a recent survey (New York Times/CBS, 1/11-15/09). But a media consumer in the week leading up to the summit was more likely to read about single-payer from the hostile perspective of conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer than see an op-ed by a single-payer advocate in a major U.S. newspaper.

Over the past week, hundreds of stories in major newspapers and on NBC News, ABC News, CBS News, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, NPR and PBS's NewsHour With Jim Lehrer mentioned healthcare reform, according to a search of the Nexis database (2/25/09-3/4/09). Yet all but 18 of these stories made no mention of "single-payer" (or synonyms commonly used by its proponents, such as "Medicare for all," or the proposed single-payer bill, H.R. 676), and only five included the views of advocates of single-payer--none of which appeared on television."
- from FAIR Study: Media Blackout on Single-Payer Healthcare

That CBS News/New York Times Poll? 59% in favor.

CBS News/New York Times Poll.
Jan. 11-15, 2009. N=1,112 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

"Should the government in Washington provide national health insurance, or is this something that should be left only to private enterprise?"

Government
59%
Private Enterprise
32%
Unsure
9%

So we are being totally robbed of a real debate. Only now are single-payer (Medicare for all) advocates getting a voice in the mainstream media.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And if you think this health care debate is only being fought in Washington, at town hall meetings, and in the mainstream media, I give you something that is going around one of the newest additions to the media list: Facebook.

No one should die because they cannot afford healthcare. No one should go broke because they get sick, and no one should be tied to a job because of pre-existing condition. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.

It seems a real grassroots movement is underway.

"As an amazing (and pretty clearly organic) piece of evidence to counter the "young people don't care about health reform" meme, Facebook is exploding today with viral status updates that read: "No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day."

...

To be clear, I don't think this is an organized campaign by any organization, but just a very clear and powerful indicator that young people do care, are communicating through their own methods and paying attention to this important issue."
- from WireTap Blog

Take a look for yourself. It would seem, while the media is failing us & America, the people might just have what it takes to make there voice heard, with or without the media.

Bad Influence (a short story)

Bad Influence © 2007
By David Williams III

Do I care what other people think of me? The answer is no shocker. Yes, of course I care deeply about what other people think of me. But that doesn’t make peer pressure a really big deal for me. I care what people think, but no one is forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. I know it sounds strange, but that’s me: strange.

So, if I do anything, it is my choice. That’s the scary part.


The scene, Chad’s graduation party; the people included Chad, Lisa (Chad’s girlfriend), Lucy (Lisa’s best friend), Rob (Lucy’s on-again, off-again boyfriend), several of Chad’s roommates as well as several friends of friends of friends.

I should have put two and two together much faster, much earlier. I mean, it wa s right in my face. Once Rob and Lucy left, Chad and Lisa let me in on the secret of the night. And I joined in. I could feel it. Part of me knew I should really be angry with myself for giving in to temptation; but we only live once, right?

Then, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Chad and Lisa didn’t seem to trust me, because they didn’t tell me until the others left. I should have, well, I don’t know what I should have done.

But I had fun. And got a good look into myself. It let me step out and see myself fro m the outside. I could, from a third-party point of view, understand what I was thinking and then tell myself it was just in my head. From that rational point of view, I didn’t have anything to worry about. But it still stuck in my mind. And it wanted to grow like a cancer. It wanted to take me down the path of hate and distrust. And, no matter what they said, I felt, for whatever reason, they didn’t trust me.

But they did. Because they told me when they felt okay telling me. They turned on the light to a whole other world. They had done it off and on for the last few months. Didn’t tell me. But trust is a two-way street. If I want them to trust me, tell me things, and really think of me as a friend they can t rust with everything, I have to trust them when they say they had their reasons for not telling me until they did.

It’s not a matter of me not approving of what they were doing. It was really about Rob and Lucy. Chad didn’t want to let on to them anything was happening. I understood that, and I love Chad, so I just took it on his word; a friend’s word.

So, after a couple of lines, other people started showing up. It was crazy to be there (even if I wasn’t really there) with people, and I had no idea who knew what, who was doing what and all that shit.

Overall, it was great. Not that I know if I want to partake again. But I have a baseline. I understand. But I also understand how people get hooked on this. It really did numb me. I guess the whole gateway drug thing was true.

Can I say why it upset me and made me feel guilty afterward? I felt a deep guilt. Not for doing it, but for not feeling bad about doing it. It shocked me to think that I really did not have any problems. A great understanding of whom I was and what I could handle. Life is short. Have fun.

The downfall is I know worry that I am depending on chemicals to support my life. I worry about it simply because society states I should worry.

And after all this mind searching, experimentation, and hanging out, I was only left with one clear thought.

I love Chad.

Well, I guess no story ends well, but Chad has Lisa. And I have at least two great friends. But the basic truth will never change. I love Chad, and I always will.

Was he a bad influence? No. Like I said, it’s all me. It’s my choice, my problem; and I will deal with any shit that comes. Life is short, if you worry too much about planning out a great life, it may be over by the time you look up.

Love, friends, and mind-altering drugs; what more could anyone ask for?

------------

So, I have been reading through some old stories I wrote. I always love my stories years after I right them. So, I thought I would start sharing some.

Hope you all enjoy. The first of many.